TEXT FOR THE OFFICIAL HEAD OF STATE CROWNING CEREMONY

I (repeat after me), with this hat, do crown myself, Head of State, of the North Pole, and take upon my personage, all responsibilities, duties, whims, snacks, pinecones with handles, kazoos, and any peripheral doodads connected with such office not previously thought of. And do solemnly swear, to water my plants so they won't die, wash my sheets at least once a year, and provide as many snacks as possible, for myself and all other North Pole organisms.

This hat, with which I crown myself with, is a token of great silliness, unfathomable frivolity, solemn absurdity, and rampant antiestablishmentarianism; including, but not limited to guerrilla croquet, conceptual dishwashing, revolutionary spackling, bowling for sushi, ice cream heists, etc.

This Kazoo, which I irreverently hold, symbolizes my contempt for the wasting of perfectly good time, which could otherwise be spent snacking, napping or cavorting. Therefore, I do solemnly swear to play it loudly and brazenly whenever and wherever such squandering of time is detected. Furthermore, I shall refuse to desist expressing myself, until said situation has been satisfactorily rectified. Damn it.